Monday, December 15, 2008

Datuk "George Soros" Bunian - Secrets Revealed.

A local Malay tabloid has recently revealed that a Datuk who claims to have married a Bunian princess by the name of Tengku Puteri Jasnita has set up a ponzi scheme "mystical trust fund" which he calls the Alam Bunian Puteri Jasnita. According to the Datuk, this trust fund will give millions of Ringgit in returns to its investors - and it is guaranteed by the Bunian National Bank. As the tabloid did not disclose if this trust fund complies with Islamic banking principles, we don't know if proceeds of this trust fund is halal or not. Further, there is no mention if this investment scheme has been approved by the Securities Commission and other relevant authorities. Well, who cares, right ? As the ring leader fund manager is a Datuk with links to royalty, so surely he knows a thing or two about making money.

I can hear some of you already thinking - Bunian, WTF !!??

Okey, for the benefit of you Starbucks coffee gulping folks who don't know what is a Bunian, I'll just tell you and save you some time from Googling for the answer. A Bunian is a mystical being in Malay folklore similar to an elf. Yes, they're like those creatures in the Lord of the Rings.

Anyway, it is believed that although the Bunian usually inhabit the forests, some are known to live near the Kampungs. According to folklore, the Bunian exist in large communities, similar to human social structures, with families and clans.

In remote Malay villages and Orang Asli settlements, it is not unusual to hear reports of human beings interacting socially and even commercially with the Bunian folk. Because of this, claims of "mix marriages" between the communities are also rather common. There are rumours that the Bunian are planning to form their own political party, in the hope that one day a Bunian leader will emerge to become the Prime Minister of Malaysia. Well, this is only a rumour, please don't believe in rumours. Believe instead in the Bunian.

Back to the Datuk and his exploits entrepreneurial adventure. Whilst we do not know whether this Datuk has had any academic qualifications or work experience in financial markets, his marriage to the Bunian princess appears sufficient to have endowed him with special understanding pertaining to matters of investment and finance. Despite this, some people are comparing him to international financial wizards, like George Soros and Warren Buffet. His followers are already referring to him as Datuk "George Soros" Bunian.

However, there is a fundamental difference between the two men. While fans of George Soros read the Wall Street Journal for financial wisdom, investors of the Datuk are told to read the Chow Kit Journal also called the Kitab Bunian (Bunian bible). The Kitab Bunian is an important read to the Datuk's investors because it is said to reveal the teachings of the Bunian princess - the Datuk's wife.

Whatever the case, the Kitab Bunian surprisingly mentions nothing about finance. According to an ex-investor, the Bunian bible teaches, among other things, sexual freedom. Yes, you read it right - investors are encouraged to have f*ck buddies amongst themselves. The reason for this is presumably so the investors can better exchange investment strategies with each other, while in the pretzel position, in bed. For these newbie investors, the best has yet to come - the Datuk "George Soros" Bunian will teach them all how to really get screwed, soon enough.

If having f*ck buddies isn't fun enough, all the investors are told to stain three fingers of their right hand with henna to purportedly protect and guarantee success of their investments. These "henna fingers" sex maniacs are assured that they can then dip their fingers into many "pies" without attracting any bad luck. This petua (folk remedy) is so powerful that some even believe that just by showing the middle (henna stained) finger to their enemies will cause their enemies to experience serious financial trouble. I know that successful gardeners are called green fingers, but this is the first time I learn that successful investors are called 'henna fingers".

To help them better manage their time to focus on investment related activities, such as spending time with their fu*k buddies, these investors are exempt from saying daily prayers to any god or attend any place of worship, as they they are told that they themselves are gods and can do as they please.

A well known Nigerian currency syndicate foreign exchange investment house, based in Kuala Lumpur, predicted that due to the "conducive social demographics" in Malaysia, the Datuk's mystical investment fund should be able attract a large number of "apprentice" investors who will be trained to appreciate the value of money and be introduced to "real world" financial strategies used by the Nigerian masters.

The well dressed front man regional marketing director of the Nigerian investment house, who wanted to remain anonymous, admits that over the years his organisation has made extraordinary profits from similar financial schemes investment trust funds promoted in Malaysia. He further said that as Malaysians are generally simpletons friendly and are easy to manipulate educate, the country will continue to attract expatriates like himself who are more than willing to share their expertise in Malaysia.

Despite all the fun seemingly experienced by the Datuk and his investors, I cannot recommend anyone to invest in this trust fund because his business focus is uncertain - the Datuk can't decide whether he wants to be a George Soros or a Hugh Hefner. Maybe he wants to be both. What a terrible dilemma he has.

If you find this story unbelievable, you should proceed to read about the Powerful Bomoh In Pahang For Power And Wealth.

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